Why I Used

Published on October 1, 2016 by in Success Stories



I’ve aspired to be many things in life but being a drug addict was not one of them. It felt as if one day I woke up in a haze, unsure quite how I got there and pondering who I had become.  My family was at such a loss and didn’t understand what I was putting myself through. In their minds, they raised me better than that. And they did. The path I chose to go down was bumpy to say the least. Full of mistakes I wasn’t learning from and more turmoil than some experience in an entire lifetime. The worst part about all of that was the one who caused it. Even though it was me, I tried blaming anyone, from family to friends to boyfriends.

I went through years of life not feeling anything because I was afraid. Afraid to be hurt. Afraid I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough. Afraid to be myself. I was no longer comfortable with who I was and showed no confidence. I was reserved … until I used some drug to push the boundaries I had set for myself.

Drugs lead me to be a careless person and for a while I thought that being careless and reckless were good qualities. I chose to be around terrible people because I wanted to be right. If someone hurt me, I would just tell myself that all people were bad and that allowed me to do horrible things to others. I lacked so much confidence in myself I felt I needed a drug to forget. If I used an upper I could do more in a day. Can’t sleep? Take something to bring me down. I was so dependent on any drug to help me, I didn’t know how to live without one. Drugs were my cop out.

I lost the most valuable thing in life that can’t be replaced. Time.  When I was young, I had so much life in me. My grandpa would always tell me about this memory he had of me singing karaoke on the Jacuzzi steps. I was confident, outgoing and most of all loving. But somewhere along the line that changed.

One of the worst parts about my addiction was that I stopped loving. Stopped loving myself and stopped being a loving person. I wasn’t even sure what love was or how to care for someone. I only thought of myself and what I needed. My selfishness led me to a dark place where I was alone. Yet I still questioned why I was all alone even though I was the one pushing everyone away. I felt powerless and inferior to everything from the drugs to the people around me.  Because I pushed others away, I shut myself off from the people who loved me and could have helped me.  Now that I am sober, I hear the same stories from others.  If I had one word of advice for family members trying to help someone face their addiction it is this:  don’t buy the bullshit stories and lies of how it is all ok.  You know it is not and when they push at you, push back because you are pushing from loving them.

Fast forward about a year. I am finally free. Finally the girl I used to be. But life didn’t get miraculously better once I became sober. Problems and challenges are a part of life. The only difference now is me. I choose to handle difficulties which come up in life no matter how challenging they are. I thought drugs were the solution to those difficulties. If I used them, I didn’t have to confront my life. I look back now and realize they only made things harder.

I know have pride in myself and am confident in what I do. I make good decisions because I am clear headed and as a result I don’t feel insecure anymore.

Getting sober allowed me to find myself. The best part of the Narconon program is that I didn’t just obtain sobriety. I gained more than I ever thought. I gained happiness and regained the ability to love. I thought I was a lost cause and when I gave up on myself, the Narconon staff pushed me to do better.  I now have a life I am proud to live. I challenge myself to be better every day. I work on bettering myself and gaining knowledge. I hope this helps those who may be going through what I did.

by Cori Buck

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